Christmas

Interesting title. I’m sure it’s thrilling. It gets to that point on Christmas Day, if you only have yourself to worry about, where if you’re not with your family or simply feel a little bit bored, where the sadness sets in. I don’t quite understand it but I do know it’s cause. We get this incredibly wonderful build up to Christmas, and it’s over so soon. I can’t wait for next year for Grandma’s homemade salads, Mum’s homemade dips, all my family, beach weather… There’s so much. Months of build up for one day of the year where we have no excuse but to come together and celebrate Christmas. Does everyone remember to also celebrate family? Or friendship? Health? I think often these simple things are neglected on days like this but it’s pretty important to not let go of that.

I skyped home at about 1:30am, finally everyone was gathered at Aunty Leanne’s house and the webcam didn’t work but I could still hear everyone. It was nice. We talked for a while and by that point I was caught up in being awake. I finally got to sleep at 4:30 only to have to get up at 9 to get ready for Christmas lunch. I have never been out for Christmas and honestly I don’t ever want to do it again. It was okay, a roast dinner. I’m not a fan of roasts. I want Grandma’s pasta salad, potato salad, coleslaw. The cold thick ham slices and fresh green salads. The finger food of cheese cubes and kabana… So Christmas seems fairly stomach oriented but sometimes that’s a great way to bring people together. It ties in the memories of what my family does at Christmas and how we celebrate.

We got home after a nice lunch and really did nothing for the rest of the day. I was so bored, I sat upside down on my bed. I did watch Love Actually which I will admit is a fantastic movie.  I was too tired to motivate myself to do work yet too awake to want to sleep.   I was exhausted. Tried to nap but then I knew I’d wake up grumpy. It was the awkward middle ground. No one at home was awake and Jess was busy watching things and doing things. After a while I went and sat with her. She wanted her family to spend more family time with her seeing as they flew all this way for her at Christmas. We were here alone after we were dropped off after lunch. I didn’t want to leave her on her own although I was supposed to go to Jessie, our roommates place for dinner. I never ended up going because by the time Jess’ friend came over to spend time with her, it was 8:30. Of course I didn’t have to stay with her, but I didn’t want to leave her alone because I know how dull and crazy being alone here can make you, particularly on a day like today.  At 6:30 I wasn’t sure whether it was too late to go over and Jessie had fallen asleep watching movies so she never got back to me til 10 something anyway so it kind of worked out. I ended up watching a few episodes of TV shows and getting quite emotional too.

I can get so attached to TV shows and their characters, storylines… everything. This one episode I watched, had characters having to leave behind their pasts because it was holding them back. I realised I had spent a great deal of my time over the past few years doing just that. The quote was “You can’t live with a ghost forever.”. This was applicable to one character who was seeing the ghost of an ex, and another who was holding onto the memory of what someone used to be. The latter is where I feel the most.  There are people in my life who have come and gone, some I just can’t let go of. I say that and then I go to say… “But I have let them go…” It just hurt a lot to see something say out loud what I had lived with for such a long time. You don’t want to lose who that person was, whether they forgot you or made new friends or just grew up. You don’t want to let go of the “them” that you know.

So I have concluded my Christmas alone, but it is okay. I Skyped Mum and Dad again and now it’s 2:20am. Time for sleep I think. Christmas was what I expected. I just wish I got to spend it the way I would design the perfect day. It’s okay. I’m happy to be in England don’t get me wrong. Sometimes my emotions just weight a thousand tonnes and I carry all the weight on my own, because it’s less complicated. It’s better that way, self sufficient. Not saying that as “woe is me” depression stance, just outright saying.

Once I wake up my head will be clearer, but don’t let me edit this post. It’s what it’s for. It’s my blog, my journal, my diary. Personal things haven’t really been documented but hey, I need to write down things sometimes to clear my head.

Good night Christmas, see you in 2012. 2011 has been fun.

Off to London on Tuesday, then Paris Wednesday. I look forward to what the week shall bring.

Love,

Rachel.xox

 

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. rmv
    Jan 21, 2012 @ 03:10:14

    Reply

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