Cobwebs, gloomy and glorious thoughts.

Being away from family at times you want to be there for them can be a hard thing to accept. Sometimes, things go wrong in our loved ones’ lives that we could indeed fix if we were able to be there. Other things, often cannot be helped. Support always keeps us strong, though it just does not feel like it is as powerful when you feel helpless living a million miles away. There are so many things I’m afraid of, besides spiders.  They are all the same thing. Death. Not my own, no. That I have pondered, that I have wondered about. It’s not that that scares me. The thought of dying perhaps can feel like a ticking time bomb but no, I am not afraid of it. I am afraid though, of it claiming the lives of my loved ones. Before I get too grim here, no one has died, and if all my willpower can help it, no one will be dying any year near now. But eventually it has to happen. I get teary just saying that. I feel my chest start to constrict and my eyes begin to well up with tears. But it is a fact of life. Things do go on.

One thing I learnt from losing someone dear to me a number of years back, was that it never heals. Whatever people say about time healing all is something I believe to be false.  It is entirely though, dependant on what your perception of “healing” is. For me, yes time helps with loss. It’s because your life continues to tick along whether you like it or not, and once someone or something is gone, it generally does not return. You were used to this presence in your life every day perhaps, a semi-regular appearance or even just the knowledge that that person was there for you. They were still there, then suddenly they are not. As time passes, you “reality” begins to take a new form. At first, you are so grief stricken and cannot believe it, because well, it’s not your reality. You familiar reality, or past, was a life where they were around. Until time starts to pass, this will remain your reality.

As time does start to go on however, this new reality takes shape.  You don’t entirely accept their disappearance but reality is without them now. The longer period of time that passes, the more familiar you are with this reality. You don’t move on, you rebuild. It’s not leaving them behind, I wouldn’t like to call it moving on either. Your mind, or rather you, just create this new vision of reality. Without them.

My biggest fear is that of …my parents. Either one. I’m sure I have stated it many times but perhaps never properly.  I would willingly jump off a bridge if they were not here. I wouldn’t do it without them, I refuse to even fathom a reality without them.  My family, both sides of my family, are also crucially important. All of them are always on my mind and if I could be there with any of them any time something happened, I would in a heartbeat.

A new reality I have formed here in England is without my family. They are safe, well and for the most part healthy, but they are not here with me. It’s something different that I have never experienced before, I had never lived out of home or even been away from my parents for even more than a fortnight.  I am doing well. Of course I miss them all. There’s nothing I will ever love more than my parents, but I’m doing quite well for myself I think. Sitting here now in my bed, I take a look around. These walls will soon be someone else’s, my things replaced, my memories left within the walls of 11E.  But for now, it is home. It is my reality. At first, it was too different, but I quickly settled. I feared I would be constantly homesick dreading living here for such a supposedly long time. But it’s not like that at all. I have put my imprint on my room. My style. My emotion. I have my dream catcher to my left, my 101 Dalmations towel as a decoration over the banister. Photographs I had printed months prior to my travels pinned to the notice board. Fairy lights and tinsel winding their way around the banister poles. Stacks and stacks of library books, fiction and theory, all neatly creating some kind of imprint here. I feel it creates some kind of character. It is home, for now, and I love it.

But alas, I shall return to my home, to my country soon enough. I will have to adjust having a big bed again, a private kitchen, proper equipment, a shower with adjustable heat, proper bench space and a big desk. Television, what is this thing you speak of?!  I don’t miss those things though. I really do appreciate just what I have. Here in Kirkstall, I am still very lucky. Without many things I would have called “necessities” prior to this year, I am absolutely fine and dandy without. I am still very well off here. I don’t have money to throw around but I am beyond comfortable. Perspective adds an interesting twist to life.

While I definitely look forward to going home, seeing my parents, my family, my boyfriend, my friends… Leeds has captured a part of my heart.

But I do not wish to stay forever, I am too removed from my family. Too far away. I feel too useless in case of emergency. Mum already had some worries earlier in the year. Grandma had a fall and now Oma’s back in the hospital. No matter where you exist in the world, home is home.  If home is where the heart is, and my heart is always with my family, then I know where I’ll always be drawn back to.

Sometimes you just have to see another perspective to really understand and appreciate things for how they are.

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